Ask and You Shall Receive ~ Relationship Roads into Reemergence

It has been years since I’ve written a blog post.  Life always seems to “get in the way” and each time I start up again there’s a different partner in my life.  When I first started blog writing, my very first entry began with a breakup.  Seems like the right place to start as I begin again.

The words of Joseph Campbell come to mind: “Sometimes we must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”  

The signs were there . . . there were plenty of good reasons why I wouldn’t want to acknowledge them.  It all started from the moment I “moved in” with the boyfriend.  You see in our profession as crew on private yachts, we live anything but an ordinary life.  Living and working on a boat means seeing your crew 24/7, which oftentimes does not allow for a lot of personal time.  If you want to have a relationship, it usually means dating, or sleeping with, someone on your boat, or doing the good ole long-distance relationship thing, and usually with someone who also works on another boat– since most conventional partners oftentimes do not understand the insane work schedules and the traveling.  

My boyfriend and I began dating, and for about a year, we did the long-distance thing from our different boats, with our different schedules, succumbing to the morning textings and nighttime FaceTimes, while oftentimes being exhausted from 14- hour days.  We would try to do our best and we would make it a point to see each other every few weeks for an extended weekend.  With pangs of longing, each visit built up steam from that “heart absence” phenomena, that tore quickly into drinking (because that’s what yachties do) our way into passion and fun.  In essence you’re getting “the best” of that person for those few days, each side getting short glimpses of the other, while simultaneously resonating from an after-sex stupor.  The falling deeper in love, the meeting of friends and families, the plans for future…talks of kids.  But the signs were there darling, you just chose to see mostly the good.  You chose to believe that you were content as you were, you chose to keep up your own spiritual practice of meditation, growing and bettering yourself, that you would be immune to his behaviors and you were ok with the role of the illuminator in the relationship.  You loved each other deeply and shit, he had already asked what kind of ring I imagined.  

As time evolved, so did Covid, and so did my job role, which became obsolete.  Luckily, with grace all around me, I was able to stay on my boyfriend’s boat while he and his crew remained quarantined in the yard.  All was actually a blessing, as with my benevolent severance, I was able to devote my energies fully to continuing my novel.  As with most writers and creatives, a routine is necessary when you’re engaged in completing a craft.  I did my kundalini yoga practice early each morning, had my green smoothie and tulsi tea, then floated right into my writing 6 hours a day, 5/6 days a week.  I had created a momentum and was on fire, and it was only natural for me to want to share in a little bit of that spark with my partner.  But either they have the capacity or the will to meet you there and or even propel you . . . or they simply don’t.  And if the reciprocation is not there, but the feeling of lack is, then inevitably conflict or action will have to occur. 

“To everything there is a time . . .” 

But back to when I “moved in,” and I started working alongside him on his boat.  With the outer world spiraling in an apprehensive sea, the celestial world was lining up some difficult angles.  That July also happened to be stout with not a notable full moon and a subsequent solar eclipse.  Things certainly “came to light.”  Work was non-stop and needless to say, stressful, and as my relationship was starting to implode I was driven deeper inside myself in painful emotional flurries.  Long story short, there was a breaking point, and after telling him of my decision to part ways and pursue my writing, why not I just finish up my last weeks on board with a homage to what had been for us.  Of course, there were ups and downs, but then finally the lid blew off.  Oprah’s words where she says the universe will first give you a sign with a whisper . . . and then if you don’t listen, it will knock you upside the head.”  After discovering that he had been communicating with his ex, seducing her with visions and what I now understand to be lies, while our energies were still intertwined, I had been hit upside the head hard and packed my things immediately never having to look back or think what if.  

During that time where I was starting to wake up to the deficiencies in my relationship I was able to clearly discern what it was I was actually needing and wanting in a partner so that I could thrive in a new authentic way that I had never done before.  I was coming into a more whole version of myself; it was time.  It was only fitting that the lover closest to me matched that in their own way.  

Of course, there is doubt for the decisions we make in love.  Of course, there is sentimentality when looking back on the good things.  But perhaps those are just figments of the mind.  Remember a part of our brain is wired to keep us safe and protected.  Perhaps it’s just doing its job because what it already knows is that there was a sense of comfort there.  It fears the unknown.  But also remember often, not always is fear the case.  We have the capacity as sovereign beings to choose the actions of our lives, and our choices have a greater impact than we consciously know.  But I needed some reassurance.  I asked for signs from the universe and opened myself up.  It may sound silly, but as I opened my feed, on Instagram, I received three signs in a row.  The last one was from a self-love coach friend who stated something to the effect: “Yes you can have all that you are desiring in a partner.  You must be specific, make a list, and ask!”  That was some pretty heavy validation.  

And so, ask I did.  The craziest, magical encounter came not but two weeks later.  Mr. Magic.  Between us we shared an entire night–and morning–getting to know a lot about each other.  It was hard to wrap my mind around it at the time but the connection was instant, even if I wasn’t clued in to the fact that this person could be my love partner.  It didn’t matter.  Standing in front of me was proof, and as I got to know him it was literally like checking off my list that I had governed for my life weeks before.  We spent the next four days together and called it our long first date.  Little did I know, our second date would be even more magical . . .  

What I learned looking back and can relay is to pay attention to the signs, the triggers– those little things that make your stomach feel niggly when something isn’t right.  Understand your body’s signals and essences, for this is our best guidance system.  By encountering what you don’t want, something wakes up inside of you.  Consider it a blessing because then may you ask and allow for what it is you really do want.